Alice Taylor-What is a family?

From Alice Taylor

I have lived in Albania for five years and have come to understand that the concept of family is something that Albanians hold very dear. This is admirable in many ways, but this doesn’t mean it is without its toxicity.

I will give you an example.

At the start of the year, I was looking to purchase a property with some financing from a local bank. I approached several lenders and presented them with my life savings, proof of employment, and other necessary documents. One bank told me, in no uncertain terms, that as an unmarried mother, my request would automatically be refused because the board prefers to lend to “real families”. This is because they are “traditional” and as someone who has lived here for five years, “you should know how Albanians are.”

The words “real families” rung in my ear as I left the building feeling humiliated and as if someone had punched me in the gut. Upon later reflection, I realised just how fundamentally flawed their reasoning was.

They would be happy for me to hypothetically be in a dysfunctional, even abusive legal marriage with someone who doesn’t work, just to tick their box. The concept of an unmarried woman wanting to purchase a property in her own right, was unthinkable  and shameful.

Furthermore, it got me thinking about this notion of a “real family”. This is an idea I have heard bandied about quite often, usually in relation to the debate on whether LGBTIQ people should be allowed to get married, have children, or adopt.

“But they are not a real family”, they cry, clutching their pearls.

“It will destroy the meaning of real family,” others say while trying to interfere in the private lives of people they have never met.

In my mind, this concept of a ‘real family’ is flawed and there is no uniform definition. We cannot say that the only and best kind of real family is one between a man and a woman, who are married, have children, and live together forever, because that is categorically untrue.

The so-called nuclear family is consistently plagued by a wide-range of problems. Domestic violence, phsychological abuse, rape, child abuse, toxicity, infidelity, a lack of love, mistrust, and even hate- the list goes on. All of us know people who have been brought up in these situations, and if we are honest, many of us will admit we have experienced at least one of those first-hand in our own family.

So why are we trying to protect this fraudulent idea of what a ‘real family’ is and should be?  Why are we putting it on a pedestal above any other kind of family? Why do we insist that the factors of heterosexuality, marriage, monogamy, and remaining together forever are the only factors worthy of respect?

As a society, both in Albania and outside of Albania, we need to redefine what the qualities of a “good family” are. Then, we should strive to promote that.

I believe that by doing so, we would see a drop in forced and arranged marriages, sex-selective abortions, domestic violence including rape and emotional abuse, and even divorce. By pushing people into boxes that human nature cannot fit into, we are rupturing our society, resulting in its members’ misery and even deaths.

What factors make a family?

I believe a “real family” should be based on the mutual attraction and consent of two individuals over the age of 18. Forced and arranged marriages are still a thing. People get married having only met twice, and others are prohibited from marrying ones they love because the family doesn’t consider the partner worthy.

The most solid basis for a relationship and future family is that of two adult, consenting, informed, and in love individuals, regardless of sex or gender.

Another core part of a real family is mutual respect. Respect that every member is an individual with their rights, opinions, preferences, and lives. This respect must be upheld at all times and also should be earned and maintained, not just assumed because you happen to share the same bed or DNA.

Willingness to be part of a family or a parent is also integral. Not everyone wants to be parents, and many women and men are forced into it because of familial pressure and society’s expectations. This results in resentment, unhappiness, and depression and can manifest itself in violence and other forms of abusive behaviour. Not everyone is willing or capable of being a parent, and by forcing them to do so, we run the risk of exposing these issues, mainly to the detriment of children.

Trust and honesty are also key parts of healthy family life. All parties must trust each other and be honest at all times. There must be no jealousy or coercive behaviour, no keeping secrets, and faith that the other individual is a good parent, partner, and person.

Those involved in a real family must be ready to share the burden equally. This includes working to bring in income, helping with chores such as cooking, cleaning, and DIY and, of course, equally sharing the task of raising children. If the majority of the responsibility falls on just one person and the other does not make up for their lacking in some way, it ceases to be a family and becomes a parasitic relationship.

Last but not least, it is essential that those involved in the family work together to provide security. This security is financial, emotional and physical and applies to everyone in the family unit. The family should be a safe place for each member, where they can feel loved, supported, and cared for, while giving the same in return.

These are the qualities and factors I believe make up a family. They do not have a sex or gender and they can be provided by just one person, two, or even more. They can be given by those that may not be related by blood such as foster parents, adoptive parents, or same sex partners. They can also be bestowed by a single mother or father, a married couple, simple cohabitants, aunts or uncles, cousins, grandparents, or even family friends.

The ‘real family’ is not about the sex or even the blood of those involved. It is about who can provide the love and security a child, and other members of that family needs. It is time we move away from this mirage of a “real family” consisting of just a man and woman who are married. While there are plenty of good examples of this out there, there are also many flawed.

Believing in this “real family” means there are thousands of people trapped in abusive, loveless marriages, there are children suffering abuse at the hands of family members, and many others tolerating toxic behavior for decades just because their abuser is family. It is also the reason why there are many unhappily married men on Albanian tinder with torso shots, hiding their real identity, but looking to hook up with another guy while their poor wife cries herself to sleep everynight and tolerates his frustration which manifests as violence.

A family is a place where love and respect carry the maximum weight, regardless of whether it is a man and a woman, two men, two women, or a single parent. Love is love, and when it comes to caring and nurturing the next generation, this is all that matters./ HistoriaIme